Sex, Love, & Recovery Coaching Series | How to start dating after you give up on dating

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to the Dr. Erin Podcast. This is a top spiritual psychology coach podcast to inspire and teach you how to transform your trauma, birth, your soul's purpose, and manifest your dreams. Hi, I'm Dr. Erin. Dr. Divinity. I'm committed to bringing you the best coaching tips, spiritual advice, trauma healing, and metaphysical recovery secrets. I'm here to help you monetize your spiritual gifts and love your life. I want you to know that I've been exactly where you are, and I believe in you together, we're awakening the world. Okay? Our next caller is Liz. She's in from Fort Lauderdale. We actually met at the yoga Expo a little while back, and I'm super excited to dive deep into this conscious conversation around love and sex as well, and relationship recovery. So how are you, Liz? What's going on? 
Speaker 2 (00:55):
Well, well, thank you so much for having me. I'm such a fan. I love your work. 
Speaker 1 (01:02):
It's so beautiful what's going on. We all struggle with relationship. It's one of our biggest, it's on our heart for all of us. We want to have beautiful, intimate relationships, and everyone struggles, all the leaders as well. We all have to live on principle. So thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your heart with us today. What's going on? 
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Yes, absolutely. Well, so I've been single for the last four years. I have not even been on a date, so I'm very rigid and I'm trying really hard to break out of that. For me, it's either zero or a hundred, and I guess I just don't connect with men on that level. It's really rare and everyone always gives me such a hard time about it, but I don't even know if I can even explain it. It's either I have to be really interested and invested and feel that chemistry or I don't want anything to do with it. And so it's challenging. It's challenging because I'm like, is it just, and I have these ideals, of course I have just an idea of who my person is, but I'm like, is that not realistic? Does he not exist? Yeah. 
Speaker 1 (02:08):
So let's break this down because one, I want to say that I took some years off of dating myself, and I'm not going to give you the traditional jargon today. And there may be people listening in like, oh my gosh, that's awful that she's doing it. Other people are going to be listening and saying, oh yeah, everyone needs to have time on their own, whatever. So what I do is I'm not give advice, okay? It's against my ethics as a coach, but what I'm going to do is I'm going to bring us back to spiritual principle for you to birth your own relative truth. But I first want to get a little bit more. I have some more questions. Okay. So in the last four years, have you not dated at all or you've dated, but just not interested in it? 
Speaker 2 (02:47):
Not at all. At all. No one has piqued my interest. I haven't even given my number to anyone. It's been zero non-existent, crickets, nothing. 
Speaker 1 (02:57):
Okay, cool. Okay, cool. And do you mind me asking how old you are? Not that matters, but I'm just curious. I'm trying to get a picture around all of it. 
Speaker 2 (03:05):
Yes. I just turned 36, 2 weeks a week ago. 
Speaker 1 (03:09):
Okay, cool. You have one of those looks. I can't tell if you're early twenties or close to four because you have one of those ageless looks to you. You know what I mean? Yeah. 
Speaker 2 (03:16):
Yes, totally. Very young face. 
Speaker 1 (03:18):
Okay, so let's dive into this one. On a scale from one to 10, meaning getting really vulnerable, okay, you're talking to yourself in the mirror. Okay. Would you say that you were like, I am just completely content. It's almost like something's wrong with me, I don't need it at all. Or is it I really want relationship, but something is, would you feel like you're totally content in this, or do you feel like you're really kind of suffering because you aren't having intimacy 
Speaker 2 (03:47):
At this point? Well, I'm content. I'm very happy. I have feeling life. I want it. It's been so long and to the point where I'm suffering a bit because I miss it been years. 
Speaker 1 (04:01):
Okay, great. Thank you for being honest and real. There was a point in my years of not dating at all where I literally was like, I am one with the universe and I really just don't even miss it. But then there was a shift also where I began to go, oh, it would be nice to have a beautiful divine partner. Okay, I'm hearing that's where you're at. It's not total suffering, but there's definitely like, okay, let's live a human. We're here for this human masterclass, not just our divine masterclass, right? 
Speaker 2 (04:32):
Yes, absolutely. I'm like, alright, universe. I've done the solo thing. It's been great. I've traveled, I've had fun, but now it's like I don't want to do this alone anymore. 
Speaker 1 (04:46):
Yeah. Thank you so much for sharing your heart. I think we stuff it down so much sometimes and we pretend like it's all good and I'm all good, but when we actually get real with ourselves, we're like, well, it's not actually how I want to live. Exactly. 
Speaker 1 (04:59):
One, I want to acknowledge you because I think it's only 26% of people are actually in long-term relationship. So what you're going through, many, many people are going through. So I don't think people even acknowledge and realize how many single people and alone people. There's a lot of loneliness in our culture because even if we're alone, we may not even have a real big support system as well. So I'm just holding you as a voice for millions and millions. So again, thank you for coming here today. Okay, so let's break this down. So anytime I'm dealing with a couple single person, it's always going to be the same core work, which is what is the false identity that is projecting into our relationships? Our lack or our relationships or marriage doesn't matter. It's the identity. So when it comes to love and relationship, what do you just intuitively feel? Are your limited beliefs, your identity around relationship? 
Speaker 2 (05:58):
I think a part of doesn't believe that that person is, I believe that maybe my ideals just aren't realistic and no one is going to be able to match that. So okay, great. 
Speaker 1 (06:13):
So traditional, maybe people would say, oh, well, let's just get rid of those limited beliefs. And that's not true, and the perfect partners out there, but I'm going to play this a little bit different. Let's pretend that there is not a perfect partner. Let's pretend that that is a bit delusional to think that one person could fulfill all your needs, all your expectations, and that you're right. Let's just pretend that for a minute. Knowing that knowing, let's just take it on. We're playing a caricature in a play. We're going to try in those clothes, a new piece of clothing. There's no perfect person out there. Who does Liz want to be in her expression of love and intimacy. 
Speaker 2 (06:52):
I want to free and loving and empowered and happy. 
Speaker 1 (06:59):
And when I say that, I don't necessarily mean, Hey, go out and just sleep with somebody and be free and be happy, whatever. I think that there's a dance, right? Because I'm very much the same. I can get into that all or nothing. There needs to be the perfect person, otherwise I'll just not do anything knowing that there might not be that perfect person, but there also maybe isn't just let go of all morals and principles for yourself and be expressed. So where's that dance? Keeping Liz safe in a sacred space, but a place where she can be expressed intimately and doesn't deny herself that for the rest of her life, what could that look like from a place of possibility? 
Speaker 2 (07:38):
Yes. Yes. And that's what I'm trying more to do. So I'm so rigid, it's just so challenging for me. I'm like those on a nun in a past life. I'm like, no, girl. 
Speaker 1 (07:51):
We're like sisters. I feel like my girlfriends are the same. We're born to be nuns. We don't even relate to end of this stuff, but we're here for our human masterclass. 
Speaker 2 (08:02):
Yes, exactly. And that's just feeling free and just being in the moment and enjoying it and savoring those moments and just enjoying and being present without me being like, no, this isn't what I feel like. This isn't what I, I'm picturing, so this is acceptable, if that makes sense. 
Speaker 1 (08:26):
Okay, so I'm going to bring it back. I so relate to you. You have no idea. There's certain types of women, and I know that we're a type in that we're almost like nuns, and we really love that divine just feeling of oneness. And so this is how I've learned to play with it a little bit within myself and my girlfriends that are almost like nuns in relationship play with it a little bit. So what we do is this, is we end up making it a place for our spiritual practice development, meaning that in relationship, my mind can easily go and find everything wrong with a partner, with my partner. But then I go, okay, so if I'm living on spiritual principle, I'm going to focus on what is great about my partner, what their strengths are, and I'm going to build upon that. So let's just pretend that you just start dating, okay? 
Speaker 1 (09:18):
Okay. They are not necessarily worthy of you becoming intimate with them. You don't know them, you haven't built enough there. But what you can do is you can practice focusing on what you do about them, whether they become friends. So what would be a spiritual practice? I know you love this stuff. I know this, right? I know you love the spiritual practice. So even in the dating world, what is a practice that you want to bring into in the embodiment of not making them wrong, focusing on the vision? What would be a practice you could practice even on a first date? 
Speaker 2 (09:53):
Yes, maybe definitely being just in the present moment, just fully embodying the moment and not, because we all have this, just being there and accepting the moment for what? And yes, just accepting the moment for what it is, because I'm very intuitive, so I already know this going to work. Okay, goodbye. I've checked out. So instead of that, it's like, okay, it going to work, but I'm having a good time and really, I dunno, night and just accepting the moment for what it is and not letting my get in the way of that. 
Speaker 1 (10:30):
Okay, great. So this is an actual plan I had to do when I was codependent and I was in very dysfunctional relationships. Then I needed to take this gap just like you. I had to take a gap. I had to have no dating because I needed to know who I was without the ups and downs of my relationship. And as soon as I got stabilized within myself, then I was like, okay, I want to go and begin to be in relationship again. And so one of the plans, we make a plan in relationship of the principles that we wanted. So one plan would be a potential for you is to say, I am not on the first date going to say, is this someone I could live with for the rest of my life? Because I would do the same thing and I would go, oh my gosh, this is a no. 
Speaker 1 (11:11):
Or it would be a clean onto like, oh my gosh, this could be my one. Right? So it was like the practice was to say, I'm not going to think about the future. What would this person for at least the first say, three dates, because the universe may deliver us somebody that's completely out of what we in our own mini mind would think, or they may become our best friend. They may become somebody that we would want to introduce to somebody that we think they would love. Over here, we have no idea what the universe wouldn't bring us something into our life if it also could also be a lesson. Of course we know that. But for you, look, you know what you're doing isn't working. You've done it for four years. Okay, so let's take a look at what you do that is not on spiritual principle one, you look at all or nothing with somebody. Yes, it sounds like you're listening to your intuition. So that's good. You may just not have somebody delivered to you in four years. There's no problem with that. But now moving forward, one, you say you don't want to look at all or nothing, okay? What's another thing that you're living off of experience or principle, would you say? 
Speaker 2 (12:16):
Sorry, currently that's not working. 
Speaker 1 (12:19):
Yeah, what do you do that you're like, oh my gosh, I do this right, where it's like my mind used to do the same thing where I think all or nothing with somebody on the first date has to be all or nothing. The first date, 
Speaker 2 (12:28):
Yes. Something else. I guess I'm very closed off. 
Speaker 1 (12:35):
Okay. Yeah, I love that. Okay. 
Speaker 2 (12:38):
Yeah, I'm very close off. I don't have any male friends because I guess subconsciously in my mind I'm like, if it's not my husband and I don't want any male connection. So I have zero male friends, I have a ton of girlfriends, so I'm already like, if this is not my husband, I don't want them in any capacity. I guess they can't be in my life any other capacity. 
Speaker 1 (13:02):
So Liz, I'm going to play something that probably not one of your friends is playing with you, which is what if you're a hundred percent right? What if you're a hundred percent? What if intuitively none of these men have come into your life for the right one? What if intuitively you're supposed to just have some space and wait for your partner to come in? And the question I think I'd ask is, is there traumas that are holding you back or is it just from a pure space of saying, no, this is actually I need to take this time and none of these partners are my partner? So these are the two things, right? It's a hundred percent just pure space of I'm creating a holding space for my beloved to come into my life, or I have so much trauma and past stuff going on that I'm so closed off to allowing anybody to come into my life. Which do you think it is? 
Speaker 2 (13:52):
I think it was probably a combination of both. And I would've liked to think that I have worked of course, and I'm sure I have a lot of more work to do, but I've gone through it. There's some abandonment. My mom left my sister and I in her home country for three years when I was three. So she took us here from the US to her home country and left us there. So from three to six, I was away from my mother. And I know that was a very pivotal time. So separations for me, breakups for me are devastating. I'm literally on the floor bawling to get over my uncle who I was extremely close to, just the best role model I could have had. He passed when I was around three. And I know that has affected me a lot. Again, my last relationship ended four years ago and we just weren't aligning anymore, and we had a great connection, but it took me probably two years to really fully work through it. So I do think probably a combination, but now I feel, yes, I feel like in a really good space, and I think it just hasn't happened. But yeah, there was a lot. 
Speaker 1 (15:11):
It's a combination, which totally makes sense, all of it. And I think it's important to recognize that whatever we've created, we've created with perfection, that there's nothing bad of what you've created. There's nothing bad. It's all with total perfection. So oftentimes as a little girl, say, if you're three and your mother's gone, we learn through mirroring cells as we know. So if we're alone, and we often will actually, our identity a lot comes from how our parents are actually viewing us, how we see ourselves in our parents. So if our parents weren't there, and I don't want to put these words into your mouth, but it could look like something like out of the trauma work to take a look at it of I'm alone and my identity is I'm alone. So to break those identities takes some work, as you know. But I love how Warner Erhardt used to break down relationship years ago. 
Speaker 1 (16:02):
He was one of the OGs in the seventies, and he would say that relationships are swimming. You can't learn to swim from sitting on the side of the pool. The only way to learn how to swim is to get in the deep end and flail around a little bit. So my invitation is to honor that part of you that needs to stay safe. So I would never say, Hey, go out and start sleeping with somebody or go do something, right? But my invitation is to get into relationship, meaning get into the dating world or get into whatever to help you begin to have a pattern interrupt basically. And to jump into that deep end, not necessarily giving your body over or doing something that is going to be traumatizing at a level, honoring your emotions. Because this is the deal. If a man or somebody who really does care about you and wants to get to know you and be intimate with you and you say, Hey, I'm responsible for my emotions. 
Speaker 1 (16:55):
I have some trauma, some stuff that comes from being alone as a young girl. So we can either go super slow or you're going to have to handle all these emotions that come with becoming intimate with me, right? For me, I dunno about you, but for me, it was easy for me to kind of not have attachment in relationship when there's not sexual because you're not energetically becoming one at a soul level. But when you open up to the sexual nature and it opens up a whole other level of emotion. So maybe one thing to consider would be to be responsible for your emotions, but still go into relationship and somebody cares about you would understand, hey, I don't just get parts of her. I get all of her. And that's the real hardest thing about relationship. If someone sees you, the darkest sides, the lightest sides, the great days, the crappy days, and it's really, really, it's courageous to go there, courageous to go there. And you're fine single also, it's okay to be single as well, but I know there's something in you that is desiring that and the seed of desire if it's only planted there, because that is what is being awoken to your next spiritual journey. 
Speaker 2 (18:11):
Yes, yes, absolutely. And I agree. I agree. And it's something that, and I totally agree, that pattern breaking because I don't date, I don't do that and have to do something differently. Clearly what I'm doing, it's not working. And just to let go of all those attachments. And I love what you said about someone really caress and explaining that, Hey, I'm dealing with some past issues like be patient, be compassionate, and they should understand, otherwise it's not going to waste my time. But letting them know and giving them that option as well. Okay. If you don't agree with that, then you have that option to exit as well. 
Speaker 1 (18:52):
Yeah, my partner, when I met him, he did not want to be intimate either, because he knew with all sides that once you entangle a sexual level that's taking on a lot and you want to take some time to make sure, and I'm not here to give advice, so I honor anybody listening. And some people would disagree. Some people are fine with becoming intimate on the first date with somebody, and I honor wherever that is for each person. But I think that it's important for you to really feel into what feels right and what feels safe for you to honor that. So let's make a little bit of a dating plan. Okay, let's have fun with this. Let's make it into a fun game. So one, how are we going to get you to pattern intro it? One might be to go out with somebody that you normally would not go out with somebody totally outside of who you would typically date or how you'd go about dating. Maybe it would be you would never go on a dating app. Maybe it's time to go on a dating app, whatever that is. So my invitation just to play around in fun is to do something that you wouldn't typically do. 
Speaker 2 (19:56):
Okay. I like that. And 
Speaker 1 (20:00):
That might be calling up your friends and saying, Hey, if there's somebody that you think I should go with, I would never ask my friends to send me up on a blind date. But if there's somebody, right? So I want you to think about one thing you can do that would be outside of your typical way of going about this. 
Speaker 2 (20:15):
Honestly, everything is probably outside of my typical way. I'm literally just waiting for the universe to drop me the person in front of me. I can ask my friends because I never do that. Okay, cool. Yes, I can definitely, I don't know, but I don't even have social media, so I don't feel comfortable with going on dating app yet. But I can definitely start with just your friends. Perfect With my friends, yes. Okay, perfect. And that's outside of my comfort zone for 
Speaker 1 (20:43):
Sure. And then what is one practice that you want to have on the first, whatever, say three dates? What's one practice that you want to hold for yourself? 
Speaker 2 (20:51):
I just want to be present. Okay, cool. Yeah, just be in the moment. Enjoy it for what it is. Like you said, it might turn into a longtime best friend. Maybe he's perfect for my neighbor, and maybe that's all it's meant to be, but I want to be in the moment for whatever. It's total surrender. 
Speaker 1 (21:11):
Okay, cool. So one more thing to play around in this game of opening up the heart, my invitation is for you to reach out for three events in the next whatever week or two. It could be something that you have with friends, that you go to something on Eventbrite, something to go to an event that you love. The intention of the event. For example, like you and I met at the Yoga Expo, right? Somewhere like that where people you would typically have things in common with of opening yourself up to meeting other people. And you might meet a girlfriend that opens you up to another friend that opens you up to your partner, right? Whatever that is. So let's call it in. Are you ready to call in? I'm not going to say the one. I'm going to say. Are you ready to call in being in flow with your divine nature of love and expression and connection and intimacy? 
Speaker 2 (22:03):
Absolutely. 
Speaker 1 (22:04):
Okay, beautiful. Let's do this together. Let's do a spiritual mind treatment. Opening up the one mind to the divine mind, taking a deep breath in, and just knowing the beauty of Liz inside and out. I recognize this huge heart that she has and that little girl that was all alone and that she's whole and complete as she is. I recognize the completion of her coming home to herself as being her own best friend, the one she's been waiting for. And in this wholeness and in this completeness, I recognize the beauty of the expression to be, to express love, to connect, and to fully give herself an intimacy in friendships and with a partner that to truly see into herself through the eyes of the other, to be that for the others as well. And in this I know a perfectly expressed life of love with total sacred space. For her to know her own truth and her sexuality, and in whatever title she decides to put around it with her lover. And I just say yes to her living the most beautiful divine life. That's together, we say. And so it. 
Speaker 2 (23:05):
Well, thank you so much. 
Speaker 1 (23:06):
You're so welcome. I'm excited. I think just for you to come on here is huge and just sets the energetics and motion of the subconscious mind and in the universal law. So it's already gone out. It's already been received by the divine mind. Your divine partner is already in the field. Truly and truly. Yeah. 
Speaker 2 (23:23):
Yes, I accept it all. 
Speaker 1 (23:25):
Yeah. Thank you so much for being vulnerable. Okay. Thank 
Speaker 2 (23:28):
You for having me. 
Speaker 1 (23:29):
Yeah, 
Speaker 2 (23:29):
Wonderful. I love you. 
Speaker 1 (23:31):
I love you too. Have a beautiful, blessed day. Okay, 
Speaker 2 (23:34):
Thank you. You too. 
Speaker 1 (23:35):
Thank you for tuning into the Dr. Erin podcast. If you're ready to reprogram your subconscious mind, transform your trauma and birth, your soul's calling, or if you're ready to become an accredited, certified spiritual psychology coach and E4 trauma method facilitator, and get trained in spiritual psychology, universal law, intergenerational trauma, work, past life, regression work, metaphysics, and mind, and so much more, go to soul soulciete.com or DrErin tv if you're receiving value from the show. I would love it if you share it with a friend and give it a five star review. Have a beautiful day, and may you live your truth.