Sex, Love, & Recovery Coaching Series | How to know if your trauma is sabotaging your relationship

Speaker 1 (00:00):

Welcome to the Dr. Erin podcast. This is a top spiritual psychology coach podcast to inspire and teach you how to transform your trauma, birth, your soul's purpose, and manifest your dreams. Hi, I'm Dr. Erin. Dr. Divinity. I'm committed to bringing you the best coaching tips, spiritual advice, trauma healing, and metaphysical recovery secrets. I'm here to help you monetize your spiritual gifts and love your life. I want you to know that I've been exactly where you are and I believe in you together, we're awakening the world. Okay? Our next caller is Jenny, and she's in from Steinbeck, Canada. How are you, Jenny? How are you? I'm

Speaker 2 (00:43):

Doing pretty good. Doing pretty good.

Speaker 1 (00:44):

Amazing. So what's going on?

Speaker 2 (00:46):

Yeah, so I'm actually battling with some fear of abandonment and fear of rejection, both in friendships and then also in my relationships too.

Speaker 1 (00:57):

Thanks so much for getting vulnerable today. It stated that something like nine out of 10 people struggle in relationship, and so I think all of us are kind of tipping on that dance of our divinity and being one with the oneness, but in our human hood and really struggling. And so thanks for being vulnerable today. For sure. So do you want to tell me specifically today, what is an actual situation, a challenge or specific relationship where it's out picturing into, yeah,

Speaker 2 (01:26):

So I'll totally go vulnerable with this. So I've kind of been halting on and off on dating apps, and so where it'd be like, okay, I'm going to go on there, and then I would sign up all over again, and then I would go through the process of swiping. And then, so I recently made a connection and we were talking, and then all of a sudden I got halted with a very strong, whoa, all they want is sex, or just from my past experience is too, so more of a, I got halted and I kind of went to just survival mode of whoa. And I just sent them a message of kind of survival. I don't mean kind of got shut down. Basically. I shut myself down.

Speaker 1 (02:12):

I love that. So what I'm hearing you say is what we call, it's a matter of, it's a culmination of all the traumas and all the experiences that we've had in the past, the subconscious and our mind. We have so much information coming in. So I think that the relationship areas a really interesting area to take a look at of like, wow, how much baggage are we carrying in versus where's our intuition of what's actually happening here? And I think that's the struggle. It doesn't matter, even if you're single dating or married, we still pull in the baggage. So here what I'm hearing you say is that you get on the dating apps, you're like, okay, I'm going to do this. So many of us do, right? You get on there, you start swiping, and then you're like, what's the point? You maybe have a communication with somebody and then all the past kind of stuff comes in. Is that what I'm hearing you saying? So did this happen recently or what was the situation?

Speaker 2 (03:06):

Yeah, so it actually did happen a couple of days ago where we were talking, connecting just a normal conversation, and all of a sudden something about something switched in my own mind of like, whoa, what do they want out of me? Or what do they desire out of me? I'm going to put more directed to my body, and also more of, I guess the fear of being seen, sharing my story and also, yeah,

Speaker 1 (03:33):

Sure. So what I don't want to happen is I don't want you to invalidate yourself, and this is a real common thing that people do as well, is that we start getting kind of aware, conscious, spiritual, and we go, man, am I just having limited beliefs and I'm pulling this in from my past baggage? And that might be some of the case, and we're going to take a look at your identity and how that's projecting out. But at the same time, sometimes, say for example, and I'm curious to know what was said on that text, because it doesn't matter what was said exactly, but also the intuition of feeling like, wow, what's the intention coming from the other side of this text? So I think there's many things to look at. One is who we are as a culture that we're connecting via text versus, Hey, how do we actually connect?

Speaker 1 (04:18):

And the other issue is, am I actually feeling intuitively something's off here from a intuitive basis of what the intention even is here? And then the third of course, which is the most important, is how much am I bringing in my own limited beliefs? Am I low self-worth into this or past traumas or things like that? So this is exactly a great conversation for people to begin to be able to make these distinctions so when they are dating or in a relationship or whatever, they can go, Hey, this is my crap I'm bringing in, versus this is not quite right over on that side. Right? Yeah. Great. Let's break this down. We want to, of course, we can take a look at all the objects out here, say there's a table and we're trying to organize it, right? It's just like organizing our love life. We have to organize it at some level, but if we kind of organize everything on top of the table, but we actually haven't put the foundation for the actual table to stand on, then it doesn't matter how much we rearrange, what app we go on, who we date, what matters is the foundation of the actual table that it's based on. So let's go there first. Okay.

Speaker 2 (05:37):

Yeah, for

Speaker 1 (05:38):

Sure. So who do you think, and obviously we need to get into a subconscious process and into trauma, really realize what are the commands, what is the identity? But what do you feel like is your identity around love? Do you feel like you're fully worthy of it? Where do you feel like you are in a spectrum of say, one, I completely do not believe I'm worthy of love. 10. I'm a hell. Yes. I know I absolutely am a thousand percent worthy of the most amazing badass relationship.

Speaker 2 (06:04):

Yeah. So when you first mentioned it was like, yeah, I'm not worthy of love. But then all of a sudden it shifted of like, yeah, I am actually worthy of love 100%. But also there's that sense of that little voice behind me where it's like, you're not worthy.

Speaker 1 (06:21):

So the conscious mind and the subconscious mind, sometimes there's a gap sometimes in the conscious mind, you're like, oh, yeah, I totally know that I'm a total catch, and I know that I would make a great partner. In the subconscious mind is like, yeah, not so much honey. We don't believe we're worthy of it at all. Right. So on that level, where do you feel like you're, when you're out picturing and take a look at your past relationships, where do you feel you are from a subconscious level of being able to really receive it and have it?

Speaker 2 (06:48):

Yeah, so it goes back to you just even witnessing the love from my parents more,

Speaker 1 (06:54):

Right? Yes.

Speaker 2 (06:56):

And so my mom was very shut down and very, I remember my dad hugging my mom and she pushing him away and all that stuff more. Sorry, I totally did not answer your question, but

Speaker 1 (07:09):

No, it's good. It's great. This is actually completely answering it because we do, we learn through the mirroring cells of our parents, how they saw each other, but also how our parents looked at us.

Speaker 2 (07:19):

Yeah, for sure. Totally. Even in past relationships, I totally was that exact reflection of my mom too, where I desired someone, but also I was super fearful, so I shut them down always. I was just kind of closed off.

Speaker 1 (07:38):

So I love that. Thanks you. So I mean, I think this is the most important thing because again, you could be out there dating and find, well, he did this or he said that, or whatever it is, but really it comes back to who are we going to show up in the relationship of our own? I love Abraham Hicks has a real small short clip, and it says, being cheatable upon nable. And the goal for you, or for anyone, for all of us, is to know that whatever someone else does in relationship does not necessarily have to do with us. If someone cheated, it would be actually more sad for that person because they went out of their own integrity than what it would necessarily say about us. So the goal today is to really just bring awareness to everyone listening and to you and to all of us to say, Hey, what is it really going to take for us to take care of our own baggage, come as light as we can into our relationship, have spiritual practices that we practice, but also know that what they have going on, they're doing their own stuff, they've got their own traumas, they've got their own low, they've got their own issues and stuff.

Speaker 1 (08:53):

So let's just put it down into recovery for a minute because some people don't like the word recovery, but the truth is we're all recovering when it comes to our sexual world, our love world, our relationship world. So let's just take a look at the patterns for a minute of what would you say when you take a look at what happened on the app when you were responding, right, saying, Hey, I can't do this. Whatever it is that you came up with. Do you feel like that was coming from what kind of cycle, vicious cycle for you would you take a look at in your patterns?

Speaker 2 (09:23):

Yeah, so the cycle would be definitely just even, I've been in recovery myself from addiction as well for about three years. So it's been a very clearing process,

Speaker 1 (09:35):

Totally.

Speaker 2 (09:37):

But before the cycle was just while I was in active addiction, that's what it would be. I was always seeking validation out of sex and out of intimacy as well then. So I think that stuck with me as I got into recovery and just following that perspective, I guess.

Speaker 1 (09:57):

Okay, so this is a perfect example. So here I was the same for years. I was very codependent and it was out of my own low self-worth, my own, my parents were divorced and feeling like I was unworthy of love. So I of course would choose partners that weren't even available. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy, right? And then once you do your clearing work, it sounds like you're in recovery, you're living this stuff, but there's still some guilt and shame around how we used love and sex and everything to validate. And so we want to make sure that we're bringing in a clear space. So let's pretend for a minute that nothing was going on on the other side. The person that you were texting with didn't just want you for sex. They were from a pure intention. What would be the belief that would be projecting out for that self-fulfilling prophecy, whether that person was coming from a good space or a bad space, sum it up an identity, what would that identity be? So

Speaker 2 (10:59):

That identity would definitely, so if nothing was going on,

Speaker 1 (11:03):

Nothing was going. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (11:05):

So more of I feel like I would be going with the flow. I would feel like there's nothing to be, there's not that little tweety bird at the back of my head kind of pondering.

Speaker 1 (11:18):

So that would be your divine self, right? Yeah. The fully empowered divine self of fully being able to express, receive, love, have intimacy. Right. So the opposite of that, if you were to say summing up a limited belief or limited identity, who's that person, if you will? What would be the false identity? What would be that limited identity?

Speaker 2 (11:38):

So the false identity would definitely be that scared, that scared little girl. I feel like just kind of desiring love, but also tiptoeing on her toes and just kind of around.

Speaker 1 (11:53):

Yeah. Okay, cool. I love that. So the definition of insanity is placing everything into one, meaning knowing, know the differences and similarities, right? Yes. So we want to make sure that we're going, okay, Jenny's going to do this work over here to make sure that she fully does her trauma work, clears up her amends with herself and others to be able to fully step into the highest confident, secure divine self that she is. Okay. So we know this is the work to do regardless if we're dating, not dating on apps in married, it doesn't matter that that's the work for each individual to do. The next work is to say, Hey, how do I understand where someone else is coming from? So this is where getting clear of having a plan and a policy and procedure in dating, and I remember going through this years ago when I actually was codependent and I wanted to start having a healthy relationship, and part of that was, for me, was not being intimate with somebody for X amount of time, and that's called a relative truth.

Speaker 1 (12:59):

What works for somebody else? Maybe they're able to be intimate and do whatever, but what I had to get is I had to be responsible for my emotions. So if I needed to not get triggered in my emotions and be responsible for it, one of the things would be I can't be intimate with somebody until I know them enough. So we have to start looking at who's Jenny and what works for her in her relative truth of getting to know somebody. So I don't know what the texts were, and maybe you want to get a little bit more juicy in details of what was actually stated on the text you, was it just energetically, or was it something that he said of making it was just sexual?

Speaker 2 (13:40):

Yeah, so it was just kind of getting into that sexual energy more of we're an hour apart, and so he was saying, yeah, I wish I could come down and all this stuff. And that's when my thoughts kind of like, okay, see That's right. See this? That's the,

Speaker 1 (14:01):

Okay, so human beings, we do what the facts happen. They send a text that says X, and then we put meaning on it. And that meaning's confusing because sometimes it's an intuition of the meaning, and sometimes it's our own baggage that we're putting the meaning on it. So we now need to be able to decipher what is the meaning. So this is what a healthy person would do. Okay. What did that mean by when you said you would come down, did that mean sexual or did that mean just you wanted to hang? Or just what did that mean for you? Right. Instead of assuming whatever the meaning was. Right.

Speaker 2 (14:38):

That's so true,

Speaker 1 (14:40):

So basic and yet so challenging for all of us, and oftentimes we're afraid to ask because our past partners or lovers or boyfriend or husband or whatever would've freaked out and gotten mad when we asked the question because it's called deflecting. So say you asked him and said, Hey, what did you mean by that? Just curious. I'm curious to know, did that mean sexually? Does that mean that you want to hang out? What did that mean to you? And if they got upset, then generally it's because they have something they're hiding or some covert way versus a healthy person would say, oh yeah, it actually was sexual, but I'm actually really interested in having a long-term relationship. I actually thought we totally vibed on our conversations. We would begin to learn each other without reacting. Sure.

Speaker 2 (15:31):

Even the next message that you sent too was more, I said, I haven't been surrounded by the kindest people. I haven't been, my body hasn't been around the kindest people too. So that's where I kind of pushed my own little there.

Speaker 1 (15:52):

But we have to be responsible for our emotions. So we have had past traumas around sexual stuff and whatever. Then it's something we have to take responsibility. And part of that is making sure, one, that we keep ourselves safe and go slowly into things, or we're communicating with that person to let them know, Hey, I've been through a lot, and if you want to get to know me, or if you want to date me, you're going to have to know that there's a lot of emotions around sexual stuff for me, and either you're going to need to be willing to wait a long time, or you're going to be willing to really work for these emotions with me. It's just full communication. For sure,

Speaker 2 (16:30):

For sure. And that's so, so true even the next day. Because even when that was happening, I totally went to do a full on breakdown, a big breakdown that I haven't even experienced in a long time. So it was coming, but it was just felt like a mess. And then all of a sudden the next day I was like, yeah, understanding my healing is my responsibility, not, I shouldn't be putting that onto you either.

Speaker 1 (16:58):

It's such an important conversation. So let's now go even deeper. Okay, let's go even way, way deeper. Because it is not just a belief. I've been witnessing and I've been obsessed with consciousness for so long, and I'm obsessed to understand why are so many people struggling in relationship? What is this exactly? Because we can have our friends, we can have work, we may even have some stuff with our family, but maybe it's not reactive as much. And so there's an area of the intimate world that can be so intense for people, and this is what I'm going to invite right now. Okay. Jenny, I would imagine you're a spiritual. You're spiritual, correct? I can feel it, yeah. Okay. Oh, yeah. Okay. And we understand the basics, meaning that if we place our power over to our relationship, that's codependency, right? We're placing our power. It means my happiness, my source of joy is contingent upon this relationship, and if we place them as our source of joy, we instantaneously assign them our source of suffering. Wow. Right? Because it's two sides of the same coin. So if we're looking for a romantic relationship to bring us feeling good, that's actually, it's going to instantaneously be the same thing that brings us suffering. That's

Speaker 2 (18:24):

So true.

Speaker 1 (18:26):

So I have a deeper real friend to friend. I care about you. Question for you that I would ask my best friend, and I would want my best friend to ask me, which is, do you really want freedom around relationship? Yeah, yeah. Meaning do you want to be liberated from your emotions tied to the ups and downs of relationship?

Speaker 2 (18:48):

Yeah, I totally, I feel like when you said that, just like a releasing just, yeah.

Speaker 1 (18:56):

Now the next question, anything in the universe and anything in life is what are you willing to do for that?

Speaker 2 (19:02):

That's a really good question. Almost. It goes back to the two-sided coin. There's one side that I'm willing to go far and deep as possible to do this, and then there's also a sense of, but it's going to hurt. Or just that block. I just want to frame it as a block.

Speaker 1 (19:24):

I think a lot of the recovery, if we go into recovery, it's a day-to-day practice and the day-to-day practice of true recovery, true spiritual recovery, true love, recovery, addiction, recovery, is handing it over to what we would call a higher power, which I believe is us, just our higher version of ourselves, the I am. And it's a deep, deep practice daily, breath by breath, moment by moment, right? And my deepest wish for you is for you to have that freedom. Thank you. So the cool thing about this in my opinion, is that when we get to this place of realizing it has nothing to do with the person over there, it has really nothing to do with the situation. It has to do with us having a deeper relationship with our higher self.

Speaker 2 (20:11):

Yeah, 100%.

Speaker 1 (20:14):

Then we don't even, I mean, yes, it's great to pull in a healthy partner, but at the same time, we don't have to worry about micromanaging and figuring out if they're perfect and figuring out all those things that really aren't. It's not our job.

Speaker 2 (20:29):

Yeah. Wow. This is when you said it's not our job. It's like, so that backpack that I've been carrying for a very long time with rocks, more of just kind of taking that one rock out hos, and it's not your responsibility. Well, to an of course responsibility

Speaker 1 (20:48):

To an extent powerful. And that's what I think that the traditional kind of therapy, if you will, around relationship therapy. It's like, well, just communicate better like this, or just stop making him wrong. Just stop. It's like little tiny things, or you could just actually take off the whole backpack. In my opinion, it's a no-win situation to micromanage the entire thing in that. The question for you is who do you want to be like, let's wave the magic wand and let's say, who do you want to be? Whether it be just beginning to date or in a relationship or with your partner, who do you want to be? Do you want to be unshakeable to where no matter if they're, excuse my language, but if they're a dick one day or in a bad mood or whatever it is that we're like, Hey, so sorry that you're going, I'm going to actually get into a place of peace. You're no longer responsible for my happiness. You're not responsible for making me feel validated that I'm here as your partner, but I can't do that for you. I can't make you happy either. I can't validate you enough to have you not in a bad mood. What would it be like for you to walk into a relationship fully whole and complete and not needing anything or being afraid of anything because you are whole and complete from the divine within?

Speaker 2 (22:13):

That's a drop the mic moment for sure. That's very empowering, to be honest, because just that unshakable identity, I feel like there's a sense of being so far away from that, but also recognizing that it is in my power to do so.

Speaker 1 (22:31):

You're so authentic. I really love who you are. I don't even know you, and you just have this really cool vibe. Even when you're listening, you're really intentionally listening, and I feel so seen by you. I feel so loved by you, and I really, really know what it's like to suffer deeply, deeply in relationship. And the only thing that has really ever given me salvation from all of it is being able to hand my power over and over again to my higher self and knowing that when I set the intention of I am love, I don't need to get it from my partner per se.

Speaker 2 (23:11):

Yeah, that's so true. Wow.

Speaker 1 (23:13):

And you are so, you're such a loving spirit. I can feel it so much, and I don't think it's any accident that we came here today together. So I would like to know what you want to put the order into the universe, what you want to declare for yourself so that we can do a spiritual mind treatment and just know that truth together. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (23:35):

Yeah. So yeah, it comes back to, I like the little recipe you mentioned. That's powerful. So it's what I want to declare as a relationship that

Speaker 1 (23:45):

No, who you want to be in relationship. And I feel so, I mean, you can declare whatever you want. You can declare you want to be married. You can declare you want to be single, but I believe it's about embodiment. So who do you want to be? Regardless of what that out picturing is? The true manifestation is you are the manifestation. Yes.

Speaker 2 (24:07):

Thank you for that clarification, by the way. I kind of totally took that a different direction, but more who do I want to be? I want to be strong. I want to be in my power. I being able to take my power when take back my power if I'm giving it away and just that almost I don't need you kind of deal more like I am whole. I'm safe. I'm here, I'm present, kind of. Yeah,

Speaker 1 (24:35):

Yeah. I don't need you, but I choose you. Yeah. Power. So beautiful. So beautiful. Let's take a deep breath together. Just coming into the divine right here. I recognize who Jenny is. I see her as the divine, the queen, the goddess, the one she's been waiting for. And in that wholeness and in that completeness, knowing all traumas are healed, the tears in her soul from all lineage have been sewn up and complete into her oneness, her divineness. I recognize in this authority that she's able to give love, powerful love, deep love, intimate love, abundant love, recognizing that where anybody is not able to receive that, that does not have to do with her. But she also can stand an unconditional love for everybody that comes into her field. I see this as her divine path home to the heart, to the unconditional love within self-love, and it pours over from her cup as she gives it to the world exponentially. And I say, thank you so much for this divine appointment. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful for any suffering, any traumas, any place that I felt the division in mind. And I say yes to this woman absolutely loving her life and being the embodiment of the highest divine love. I say this in the name of truth as together we say, and so it is.

Speaker 2 (25:54):

It's so powerful.

Speaker 1 (25:55):

So I just want to go over a couple of things for the listeners again. Okay. Yeah. So we want to make the distinction of when you're confused, whether you're dating, is it what is going on? One is we want to take a look at what's the actual traumas and false beliefs and limited beliefs that we're projecting into something versus how do we actually make wise decisions to know what the intention is of somebody else? And part of that is yes, listening to our intuition, but the problem is our intuition is oftentimes blanketed by all of our past traumas. So just simple communication to understand where someone's coming from and watching their actions versus their words is really important for distinguishing and taking responsibility. So as Jenny said, I know this so well, is that majority of us have traumas around sex, love, and relationship. So we have to have responsibility around our emotions.

Speaker 1 (26:52):

We can't expect for our partner or someone we're dating to be able to navigate our emotions. We have to take full responsibility for the emotions, and that means either going slower to take full responsibility to not project that into it, or that means having full communication to have them realize that we have a lot of emotions around us, and if they want to engage with us at an intimate level, that they're also going to come with all of us, which is all of our emotions at this point in time. So again, it's taking full responsibility, and that's the first level we went to. The second level was going to a much deeper level of saying, Hey, we don't have to manage all these things on the tabletop of my past trauma, my emotions, who I'm dating, how I'm dating. And rather, we can go to the divine and say, Hey, I'm going to surrender to my higher self. I'm going to become the beloved love, and I'm going to release all trying to control how I date, when I date, who I date and all that, and know that in that divine presence that it's going to unfold with perfection in that. Yeah. So great. So what's your biggest takeaway today for yourself?

Speaker 2 (28:01):

Just leaning. I love the reflection that you just even just provided me, again, with the whole foundation of, I don't have to figure out what's on the tabletop at this moment, but the foundation is my higher self, my divine self.

Speaker 1 (28:16):

Yeah. So how are you going to have a practice? Do you have a practice for meditation? And we do spiritual mind prayer. We don't pray to a man the Skype or say, we honor each and everyone's truth around that. But what's your practice to kind of get into oneness within yourself?

Speaker 2 (28:31):

So it comes back to my morning walks, going on a walk, just finding a little area of grass and kind of grounding.

Speaker 1 (28:41):

I love that. That's so great. That's so good. So beautiful. So as a doctor, divinity, which I'm not a traditional therapist, we heal through revealing truth, but I am going to give you a little prescription today. Okay. So the prescription for you is to do that trauma work of whatever trauma is in the past, wherever you're called, you're welcome to come and work with us as well, but wherever you're called for that to do the trauma work, the second real prescription for you is for you to just keep doing that daily walk and whatever it is in your meditation or prayer, whatever it is, for you to connect with that and to release the need to fix, change or do whatever, figure out somebody else. We don't even have to figure out somebody else. When we come back to that oneness, there's inspired knowingness in there, and we just take that one next inspired action.

Speaker 2 (29:33):

Yeah, it's so powerful. I really appreciate this

Speaker 1 (29:36):

Session. So appreciate you. Thank you so much. Thank you for tuning the Dr. Erin podcast. If you're ready to reprogram your subconscious mind, transform your trauma and birth, your soul's calling, or if you're ready to become an accredited, certified spiritual psychology coach and E four trauma method facilitator, and get trained in spiritual psychology, universal law, intergenerational trauma work, past life, regression work, metaphysics of mind, and so much more, go to soul society.com or DrErin.tv if you're receiving value from the show. I would love it if you share it with a friend and give it a five star review. Have a beautiful day, and may you live your truth.